Wednesday, February 06, 2013 

The "R" Word

So, Meir is in town (or, more accurately in the Bay Area - he's staying about 40 mins away from SF).

We went to dinner last night, and he was telling me that as he gets older (he's an ancient 38 years of age) that sex has become less and less important to him. In fact, he says, in terms of time management, he'd rather just masturbate. ORLY?

I asked him, "So, if we have sex again, you'd be doing me a favor?" To which he replied "No. We're in a relationship. I care about you. Sex is part of that."

What the everloving fuck?

Honestly, I've been operating under the assumption that he doesn't really even *like* me that much (and why I would continue to see someone who I don't think likes me is another conversation...).

My stomach kind of dropped, and I've been trying to figure out why. I think a lot of it was surprise, certainly, but also, this Relationship (with a capital "R") has NO CHANCE of becoming, well, anything. He's not available. Period. I already feel shitty about dating him (or whatever the hell it is we're doing).

Dafuq am I doing?

Wednesday, October 24, 2012 


I feel sick.

"Meir" is in town. We're not friends on Facebook, but his page isn't private. He posted yesterday that he was at the airport on his way to SFO.

Now, I am fucked either way: I keep obsessively checking my email to see if he's contacted me yet, and; I'm terrified that he'll contact me and I won't say "No."

I'm afraid of seeing him, and just as afraid that he won't want to see me.

I haven't had any contact for three months, and while it was hard not to email him, it got easier. Now it's difficult. Again.

Damn it.

Friday, October 19, 2012 

Bitches Be Crazy

What the fuck is wrong with people?

I keep hearing that I should be doing informational interviews with people who work in the field I am interested in.

So far I've had significant contact with two women who are in such positions. They have the same professional background as me (though, frankly, less experience), and have since transitioned into the job I really want. Both of these people have been so fucking...I'm not sure of the word to use here...cagey isn't it, but close. So vague as to be of no help at all. Here's a reply to an email I sent:

" My leap the the other side was the product of:

- third party networking (doing informational interviews with friends or friends of mine);

- a significant amount of serendipity (meeting a friend of a friend at (Company) just at the time that (Company's) CEO decided to start a Foundation);

- and having the right work experience, skills, and qualities to fit the bill.

Good wishes to you,


Now, to me, it's a little ironic that she says she got to where she is by doing informational the one she's declining to do with me. I don't feel that anyone owes me their time. I understand it would be doing me a tremendous favor. But frankly, feels a lot like these bitches are pulling up the ladders behind themselves once they've climbed to where they want to be.


Sunday, September 16, 2012 

So fucking sad

I just can't get over this over-arching feeling of sadness these days. It's not simply malaise. It's more than that. I just feel so sad, and alone, and scared.

It's not the dude. He's gone, and I'm glad he's gone because I felt shitty about that entire situation. Of course, as happy as I am that I'm removed from it, I still miss him and am a bit resentful that I haven't heard from him in over a month. But, whatever. It's not that.

I feel like I have spent so much time dealing with So. Much. Bullshit. Over the past six years my life has been, pretty much shit. In terms of personal, family, and (lack of) work. And it is fucking exhausting trying (or pretending) to be upbeat and optimistic all the fucking time. It's seen as a character flaw to express any sort of sadness. Anger? Fine. Frustration? No problem. Sadness? Um, no. Suck it up.

I don't know how I've lived here nearly 20 years, and not really met anyone who lives in the South Bay (Santa Clara, Sunnyvale, Mountain View, San Jose, etc.), but now I REALLY need someone's, ANYONE'S who lives there's help, and I have come up with nothing.

So much for the "turning it over to God" and "everything will work out" bullshit. I need something NOW, and it's not coming. And I'm totally fucked.

Thanks, Jesus!

Wednesday, May 30, 2012 


My front door was broken. It had been for a couple of months, but I just never got around to dealing with it.

First, the bottom hinge became completely detached from the wall. I could still get it to close and lock, so it was not a high priority.

Then, on Sunday, I was on my way out to attend the Golden Gate Bridge's 75th anniversary celebration when I grabbed the doorknob, and the entire fucking door fell into me. It was too heavy for me to deal with myself, so I stepped outside, looked left and right, and saw my neighbors were having a barbecue with friends. I went over, (formally) introduced myself and asked for help. Two guys came back with me. They got the door up, but it was askew - the lock didn't align. They said they didn't have time to fix it...they had to get back to the filets they had just put on the grill. I thanked them for their help, but was left with a door that wouldn't close all the way. That evening I came home, somehow got the door to close and was kind of stuck in the house all of the following day (Memorial Day).

Yesterday (Tuesday), I had to leave the house, so I ended up just kind of propping the door against the jamb. I called the day labor program to try to find a handyman, but they were closed, so I rode my bike a few blocks to the corner where guys hang on the corner looking for work. I found a guy, Eduardo, who not only speaks English better than I speak Spanish, he was a carpenter, by trade. Score! He hopped on his bike and rode back with me and completely fixed my door. It's better than it was, before. He even reinforced the wood where the hinges came out. He also gave me his number in case I need anything else fixed (which I do).

This morning I was up bright and early returning the gifts "Meir" bought me. I'd rather have the cash. I had so much fun with him that day last week. It was the most fun I can remember having with him - since we stopped sleeping together. As happy as I was to hang out with him, I can't help but be relieved he's leaving. I'll miss him terribly, but I won't miss the emotional seesaw he has me on since I'm clearly unable to put an end to the seesaw myself.

Friday, May 25, 2012 


He can't (or won't) give me what I want, so he insists upon buying me crap I neither want, nor need.

When he leaves in a month, maybe I'll regain my life - or at least some semblance of sanity. Maybe.

I'm not sure why he lies to me so much. About stupid things. I'm pretty much the last person he needs to lie to, but I'm glad I'm not falling for his lines (anymore), at least.

I have interviews coming up with Make-A-Wish, and a local humane society. Hopefully something will pan out. I'm not excited about either job, but will obviously take one, if offered.

I'm pretty miserable, overall. I hope it doesn't show in my interviews.

Thursday, February 23, 2012 

Hot in the City

It was a truly stunning day around these parts. Seventy+ degrees Farenheit. In February. Climate change, indeed.I spent the day with Meir. Lunch and then just hanging out and talking. I have gotten to the point where although I don't want to see him, I'm powerless at this point. I even recognize that it's because I'm lonely and without prospects, and it's nice to spend time with someone who finds me attractive. Pathetic, I know, but it's true. In a way, I think I'll feel relieved when he and his family move to Israel on June first. It will make it easier for me to not take any personal responsibility for continuing to see him after I found out he is married. Even though we're not sleeping together, and have decided to be "just friends," it still feels bad. But I can't stop it on my own. Today, while in the car, he reached over to hold my hand. I didn't say anything, but just kind of nonchalantly pulled my hand away - but only because I know that I can't trust myself to be the clear-headed person in the situation. We've had this talk, the one about us being attracted to one another, but how we are only going to have a platonic relationship. I think, however, that this is just a bunch of crap. What I'm getting out of it is the challenge/satisfaction of seeing him wrestle with his attraction to me...especially since no one else seems to be.The downside, of course, is that there's no scenario in which I don't get hurt. Such is my pattern. And believe it or not, the awareness that I have of this situation is actually progress for me. "Progress not perfection" is my goal.I have to keep repeating that to myself. A kiss on the cheek led to a long hug which led to a brief kiss on the mouth. I need help: a therapist, a Higher Power, something.