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Saturday, May 13, 2006 


I had a wonderful time on this trip. I was so looking forward to spending time alone in Paris - something I'd never before had the opportunity to do. I relished the chance to not have a schedule, and to have the freedom to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.

I also eagerly anticipated meeting some new friends. I had a great time with JennC. We laughed like old friends. Gabrielle and I ate some of the best food Paris has to offer together - twice, and Eric is, quite frankly, a great guy.

It never occurred to me that I might meet someone. I'd been so shut down, that the thought never crossed my mind. In fact, when I met Scottie, I vaguely remember thinking he was cute, but I never imagined that anything would come of it. Never. Which is why I continued to be so surprised every step of the way - from the realization that I was on a date, to his being so eager and excited when he knew he might be getting lucky, to his wanting me to spend the night, and to him wanting to see me again (and again.)

I've written before about how I am not conventionally beautiful. I'm not fishing for compliments here - I don't think I'm ugly, and children don't recoil in fear when they see me. But honestly, I am generally ignored by men these days. Over time, that can be as soul crushing as someone calling you unattractive.

I have gained some perspective over the last few weeks, and think the word that sums up this trip for me is grateful. I'm grateful for the new friends I've made, for the beautiful city I was able to discover on my own, and to Scottie too.

See, even though I now clearly see our "relationship" for what it actually was - basically him using me to masturbate instead of his hand - I appreciate what he did for me, which was to remind me that yes, I can still be attractive, and I don't have to retreat inside the shell I've built around myself. I appreciate that.

Admittedly, it did take these few weeks to come to terms with that. In my mind, when we were together those first couple of times, everything was so full of promise, and potential. He's smart, he's funny, he's cute (I did take his picture, but promised I wouldn't post it - sorry.) Plus, he lives in Paris and plays the guitar. Swoon. But something changed. I'll never know if it was something I did (or didn't) do. After I left for Caen to meet my daughter, he obviously began to have second thoughts, and I think he must have consciously decided to nip things in the bud (except for the sex. He still wanted to have sex with me.) Unfortunately for me the way he did that was via a worrisome text message, and then again through a worrisome act (which I won't get into here, but it kind of made me feel like shit when he did it.)

God, what happened? That thought ran through my mind for a good two weeks after my return. I couldn't figure out how I'd fucked up. I even broke down and sent Scottie a text message. It said "Come to San Francisco." That's it, four words. I did get a reply "I would like a holiday there. Work prevails at the moment though. I can't take holidays until at least September." But I know in my heart that I'll never see or hear from him again (I gave him my email address and blog address, but he's made no contact.) I'll be okay with that...eventually. Although it didn't help a few days ago when, I swear to god, I turned on the radio in the car taking the girl to school and In a Big Country, a song about Scotland, by a Scottish band was on. After I came home from dropping her off, I turned on the television to the Travel Channel, and watched Anthony Bourdain talk about Les Halles and walk right by Scottie's apartment. Later that night, Billy Connolly was the guest on the Daily Show. Yeah, Wednesday was kind of fucked up! It was god laughing at me and rubbing Scottie in my face at every turn.

I learned a lot from this trip, however: first, I learned that I am definately not cut out for one night stands (or "holiday romances" to use Scottie's euphemism.) Next, I learned that I can still be wanted, and finally, I learned that you can send text messages internationally. Who knew?

So, thank you Paris, and thank you blogosphere. And yes, thank you too, Rob.

Hey buzz. I hope you don't mind my saying so, especially since I'm reading the blog top to bottom so I'm probably missing out a great deal of information in this story, but I just don't like this Scotty guy you keep talking about. Something tells me that you're blowing him up out of proportion, or something and he's really not worth the attention you're giving him. Just a gut feeling. :)

Plus, I think you're kind of cute, really, but also smart, caring, fun ... (I don't know you well enough to add to that list, but I'm sure the other commenters will...) Maybe that is the problem. I've noticed that guys around this part of the world don't know what to do with someone who doesn't come straight out of the mold most people come out of.

By the way, I completely forgot... Happy Mother's day!

It sounds like you've come to terms with a lot of stuff in the past couple of weeks. Good for you.

I'm sure this scottie thing will pass.

Holy cow, I just had a "beam me up scottie" weird moment. It's like you are on some strange planet (SFran) and you want to get back to the Enterprise (France).

Have you convinced yourself that your scottie is some kind of weird McKoy?

It's good to know that we keep growing no matter how old we are.

Not that you're old or anything. You've got such fantastic skin.

And I say, as a person who has drawn a lot of portraits in my time, that you've got a beauty that artists would kill to capture.

Sincerely. You glow.

That was a beautifully written entry. I can tell that you have a beautiful spirit - it's evident in the way you write and express yourself.

I have only seen one pic of you, but I know that you have a great smile that lights up a room!

I love Paris. It was very bittersweet for me. Great and terrible memories from my time there. Thanks for sharing yours and taking back to the happy times.

Buzzgirl...you know I really enjoyed this series of entries. Your writing is fantastic (probably how you talk?) and your frankness awesome. One of the main reasons I fell in love with Paris was because of all of the things I learned when I first came here. I realised that there was still a lot to learn in life and sometimes it just takes a change in location to do it. Bravo for your courage and open spirit. Only sorry we didn't have the chance to meet. Maybe when you move here?!

Your last entry made me teary-eyed. As Whitney Houston said: 'it's not right but it's okay, i'm gonna make it any way'. I'm glad you enjoyed Paris in more ways than you expected.

It started out with me looking really quite bad, but became better as I went along. That being because I was reading in reverse chronological order.

I'm sorry that you considered our time so shallow.

I would say that the criticisms were a bit one sided at times though, but I suppose being your blog you're allowed to do that.

BTW apologies for the Tent Pi quip. I have now learned from a French colleague that it means more like “I don’t care” rather than a resigned “What can be done?..”

The chat, the dinners, the sightseeing, the wine, the sex was great fun. I don’t feel bad about that.


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