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Monday, June 12, 2006 

Today's the day...

And I don't know if I can do it.

My daughter's "father" called yesterday to remind me of his flight info. He sounded very excited about his trip to visit his daughter whom he has refused/neglected to see over the past six years.

He kept asking me if I was angry about something, or if he was interrupting me, or something. He can't seem to comprehend why I wouldn't be excited to see him.

What the fuck?

He lives in the same town as my mom. My daughter has spent every summer there since she was six. Christmases, too. Yet he never came to see her. She would leave messages for him that he never returned (I put an end to that, refusing to let her leave messages anymore - it was too hard to be ignored by her "dad.") Last Christmas, he promised to come by my mom's and take her to the movies. He never showed. My nephew came over later that day. He walked in carrying wrapped gifts that he said had been left on the porch. They were from him. He'd come over, but didn't ring the doorbell because he'd chickened out. Jesus.

All this after he had a well established relationship with her. I'd visit and we'd stay with him, he'd visit and stay with us. Lots of phone calls back and forth. He came down for a visit right before she started kindergarten. He left the day before her first day. And then he disappeared. No warning, no explanation, nada.

When she was about two years old, he was here visiting, and I had a very serious talk with him about not becoming a big presence in her life if he really wasn't going to be around. He swore that he'd always "be there" (whatever that means) for her. He pretty much was. Until he wasn't.

Mere words cannot express the disdain I have for him. I truly hate and despise him with the white hot fire of a thousand suns for hurting her like he did. And yet, she can't wait to see him.

I know that I am seriously going to lose my shit at some point. I feel it. It won't be pretty.

I'm going to hold it together as long as I can for my daughter's sake, but I don't know if I can do it.

Pray for me. Wish upon a star. Something. Just hope you don't read about a woman in San Francisco who is under psychiatric evaluation after repeatedly running over her baby daddy. For real.

I am so sorry to hear about this. You are understandably angry about his inconsistent presence in your daughter's life and I can't blame you for feeling the disdain you do for him. I'm thinking of you and sending as many good thoughts your way as possible.

Sorry, I've just wandered over for the first time and your post caught my attention. All's I can say is that in one way or other every girl wants her daddy. Some times in more disturbing ways than others. I could give you many varied examples. While you cannot control your baby daddy's involvement, you can have realistic conversations with your daughter about what she should expect. You are allowed to tell her that him skipping out on her life is not an ok thing to do. You must talk to her about making good choices in men for her own future reference. Alls I'm saying is don't try to just act like everything is ok when it's not. So how's that for unsolicited advice? =)

good luck with all that! I thiink he was just too immature sounding to me. Didn't want responsibility even though he had it... Hope all turns out fine.

And yes I'd love to meet up if you visit Vancouver. We should be around unless we are back in Europe. :)

Buzzgirl, I'm sure the last thing you need is a bunch of internet advice...I can only tell you a simple story.

My father left when I was 7 and I saw him once or twice a year after that until after graduation. I could sense my mom's resentment, but she never let on. In the end, I said what I needed to say to him when I was 18 or 19 and that was that. I felt kind of grown up at the time, but respected mom even more later knowing how tough it was to raise me alone.

You'll figure out what to do and she'll know later how difficult it must have been. Besides, nobody can knock a buzzgirl down (except if you see my reply over at PDP you might have a different idea!).

Bises,
Michael

I wish I could say something to make things better but you seem to have a sound sense of the importance of keeping your sanity in check for your daughter - I imagine all she wants in her world is some sense of normalcy and a dad she can call her own - it still does not explain or justify why now why the absence he has shown but I hope he is not coming back for the time being only to disappear again - that would not be kewl for you or your daughter - keeping fingers crossed and prayers with you in mind.

Never forget that your daughter is a very smart cookie. When it's convenient, talk to her and get her to talk to you. You need to know what her expectations are in order to protect her...

It's not an easy situation but you and her have a great relationship, right? You can get through this together.

Buzzbaby, the link that I'm about to post here is COMPLETELY inappropriate.

Completely.

But good for a laugh.

Ahem... Well, I think so.

Inappropriate link

WELL??????????????????????

How did it go????????????

is it safe to assume that things went well?

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