Friday, July 28, 2006 

My birthday gift to myself

A new hard drive! Woo hoo! It really sucked not having computer access, but now the new hard drive has been installed and the operating system loaded, so I'm back in business. Unfortunately, there's still the matter of extracting all the data from the old drive. Back up your files people. Seriously.

Monday, July 24, 2006 

Good & Bad: A short list


Spending Sunday in Dolores Park with friends drinking Prosecco, eating cherries, enjoying the free San Francisco Symphony performance;

Riding my bike at 8:00 am because it's too hot after 10:00 am to even think about riding;

Going to the post office to retrieve packages of birthday gifts purchased from my Amazon Wishlist (thank you cards are on their way!);

Losing 20lbs. on the misery/too hot to eat/bike riding diet.


Having to post to blog from library because your computer's hard drive died on Saturday;

Having one's excitement that a new hard drive (8 times larger!) was only $115 dashed because the cost of data recovery from the old hard drive is a minimum of $750;

Not having access to anyone's contact info to ask them to a get together for your birthday on Friday :(

That's it for now. Not sure when I'll be able to update time is up!

Thursday, July 20, 2006 

"...And, scene."

That's what we say at the end of a scene in acting classes.

Melodrama. What would my life be without it? I was a Theatre major, after all. Plus, I'm a Leo...apparently we have a flair for the dramatic - and oversensitivity. I deliberately turned off comments on the last post because I just needed to express how I was feeling.

Just a small aside: it seems that every time my daughter leaves me for the summer, I get hurt in some way. One year it was a horrific bout of bronchitis, one year I broke a toe. This year, my heart. What gives?! On the other hand, my daughter has left for the summer! And me with no plans.

I want to reiterate that I'm not a victim here. It's just a matter of people wanting different things. Happens every day. Not to get all Gloria Gaynor-y, but I realize that I will survive.

This realization has been made more clear through the supportive emails I've gotten. I really appreciated them. Truly. My most sincere thanks to bReal, Gabrielle, JennC, Jenny, and, most especially to Tomate for their kind words. It's amazing to have you ladies on my side.

So, in a way, this is a good time for this to happen... I'm starting a new year of my life. My birthday is eight short days away. If you glance over to the sidebar, you'll see that I have inserted (albeit poorly, since I have NO html skills) an Amazon Wishlist. It's right under the "Make a Donation" button. Check it out! It's rudimentary, only a few items. I really need to work on adding stuff to it. By the way, if you were mentioned above, you've given me enough already. As for the rest of you...

On one last, more serious note, being a part of the 'blog community' has been extrordinary for me. I had no idea when I started this thing that I would have had the opportunity to meet and "meet" so many incredible people, and learn about their lives. I also had no idea how much of my own I was willing to put out there. What a trip! Thank you all. For everything.

Saturday, July 15, 2006 


He doesn't want me. That doesn't actually come as a surprise - although it hurts. So much. There are some things I have no power to change about myself. Just basic "who I am" stuff. I am undesirable. This is not an indictment of him. He can't help the way he does not feel. In a small way, it comes as a relief to have some finality. I hated that anxious feeling each time I checked my email, hoping to god, please god, that he had written to me. Or each time I hear my phone sound with a text message alert gettng butterflies in my stomach. I now know I never need feel that again. There will be no more emails, or text messages, or a reply to the letter I sent. So, let's call it 3% relief, 97% merde. I appreciate that he was (finally) honest with me.

"When you were in Paris I thought that we were 2 people, single situation, out for fun. Complimentary, no? You were keen for more, I wasn't prepared to give more."

Actually, I think the fact that he wrote this to me is pretty amazing. Really, it's a testament to how good a guy he actually is. I think anyone else would have just blown me off completely. So, he's being humane. I'm being humanely euthanized. Like a dog.

The thing is, I wasn't "out for fun." I was surprised by him, and I obviously wasn't clear about that. I felt (feel) something for him that that I wasn't prepared for. But if he was to be completely honest, he'd admit that I wasn't alone. I saw it. I know he felt something, too. (This part isn't wishful thinking, by the way. We actually talked.) It is true, however, that I saw it go away, too. I did. And I'll always wonder why. I didn't say anything because I just wanted to be with him. I suppose I was keen for more from him, but if he knew that, and he wasn't prepared to give more, I wish he'd stopped sleeping with me. That was rather cruel.

He gave me the option of not being totally cut out of his life. "Please don't see this as shallow or cutting, just matter of fact. If you can truly accept that, then I would be OK corresponding with you. Otherwise I think it would be best not to." I don't think he wants me to be thoroughly gutted. I just am.

It was, I suppose, in the end my decision. I wrote him that as much as it pains me - and it does,tremendously because I know I'll never hear from him again - I have to admit to him, and to myself that I don't think I can accept having only a peripheral relationship with him.

I considered, briefly, lying to him and saying "Yeah, no big deal, let's keep in touch." Right. We become such good friends that he starts telling me about this really hot chick he's banging...not an ideal scenario.

I think what hurts just as much is the realization that my emotional growth is stunted. I feel exactly as I did when my heart was broken at age fourteen. Worse, in fact. I thought I had become so adept at protecting myself, at not letting anyone too close. I was so stupid. So fucking weak. I wish I could have just taken it for what it was. I'm just not sure why I couldn't. Or can't. I'm (supposedly) an adult. I should be able to handle this situation, but I can't. At all. I'm miserable. I really can't stop crying, and I don't know what to do. I would do anything if I could make him change his mind. Anything. But there's nothing to be done.

I know it's pathetic. I know. But I can't help it. I keep crying and I don't know when I'll be able to stop. I fucking hate myself right now.

I'm done.

Monday, July 10, 2006 

Big girls don't cry

I've never been what you would call an "emotional" person. Not really. This fact is of course belied by the fact that I often find myself welling up at cheesy movies - or even the occasional holiday-time commercial, despite the fact that I know I'm being emotionally manipulated.

I can't stop crying today. I can't even say why. I mean, I know why, I just can't say.

I think I need to take a break from this. From all of this. This blog, this everything. For a while.

Saturday, July 08, 2006 

Rest in peace

Today was the first anniversary of my dog's death. To commemorate the event, my daughter and I rode our bikes up to the park and spread the remainder of his ashes.

Here is my favorite photo of my dear, sweet Mushdie, aka Peanut Head, Poo Poo Head, Mee-mush, Moody-Moo... Why is it that we never call pets or children what we actually named them?

I love you, I miss you.


Sony ad

Is this racist? I think it screams "PlayStation Portable White...for oppression on the go!" But maybe that's just me. What do you think?

Friday, July 07, 2006 

Football and French

On Wednesday, I went to the Alliance Française at noon to watch the France vs Portugal World Cup match. It was a lot of fun. There was a big screen set up in the theatre, and the audience was made up of a large group of French folks who looked as if they were taking long lunches.

It is a sad reality how poorly received football (soccer) is in the United States. I think that if American women knew how high the Average Hotness Rating (AHR) of the footballers of the world is, this sport would take off in popularity here. I had no idea. Wow. Hott!

We watched the game on TV5, so (naturally) all the commentary was in French. I couldn't follow it very well, so at half-time I went upstairs and signed up for a conversation class. Not bad marketing on their part, eh? It worked on me!

After the game, I drove over to Oakland to pick up my girl who was returning from horseback riding camp. She had a great time all week - except, apparently, for mucking the stalls. Ha!

Today was my first French class, and it was not good. Not good, because I was the most fluent student in the class. Listening to the other students was actually painful. So, I've moved up to the next level! Yay me - though I still can't really write in French for shit, speaking is more important to me.

Sunday for the France vs. Italy final game, I was going to go back to the Alliance, but found out today that there will be a big screen set up outside at Dolores Park. I think we'll have a picnic. Start time is 11:00 am here in San Francisco - want to go Tomate?

Allez les Bleus!

Tuesday, July 04, 2006 

How to celebrate Independence Day

The lead up

July 1st

Tell yourself all day that you're going to clean up the apartment while the child is away at camp. Instead, go for a bike ride, to the market and movie rental store. Rent and watch Match Point because you've heard good things, and because Jonathan Rhys-Meyers is hot.

July 2nd

Spend all day in beautiful Stern Grove picnicing with friends. Try desperately to ignore the fact that your friend John from Manchester whom you came this close to hooking up with one night last year (that we, nor our friends who witnessed the nonsense ever mention again) is there with his 18 year old girlfriend. He's 32. Try not to be skeeved out by him. Fail miserably.
Dance your ass off in front of the stage to ReBirth. After show, hang out with band (whom you've known for years.)

July 3rd

Wake up way too early. Take opportunity to call the only other person you know will be awake at this unholy hour - your mother. Catch up on family gossip, and finalize dates for daughter's visit to grandma's. Purchase ticket online while talking to mother. Note that you will be childless for six weeks (July 17th - August 26th.) Wonder what you will do with all this time, and rue the fact that you don't really have enough money to go anywhere.
Later that night, decide to go out with friends to a dance party/club. Arrive at 11:30. Get in free because bouncer thinks you're cute. Meet friends inside. Dance your ass off...again. Overcome herculean obstacle of dancing/hanging out with two lesbians all night by being asked to dance by a few different men. Make mental note to inform men that they should never come up behind and start grinding an unsuspecting woman dancing as this may startle said woman and result in her reflexive castration of said man.
Get home by 2:30.

July 4th, The Big Day

Attend the traditional kick-off of the Mime Troupe’s new season in Dolores Park. Be surprised and oddly moved that even in godless, leftist San Francisco, some people still stand when they hear The Star Spangled Banner. Marvel at the cleverness and ballsiness of the show (as always.) Covet membership in their repatory company (as always.)
Walk home to retrieve your forgotten wallet so that you can buy a shawarma, and rejoice that all the restaurants in your neighborhood are open despite the holiday, because you (as is traditional when the child is away) have no food in the house.
After dark, walk back up to Dolores Park to watch the fireworks display over the Bay. See only the lower half of the pyrotechnics because of the marine (fog) layer.
Come home to hear the assholes in your neighborhood shooting off illegal fireworks all night long.

At least that's what I did.

Bink comes home from horseback riding camp tomorrow. Yee haw!

Monday, July 03, 2006 

A little too close to home...

This is creepy.

I like taking online quizzes as stupid, time wasting fun, but the results of this quiz were a little too accurate for my tastes:

ColorQuiz.combuzzgirl took the free personality test!

"Over-imaginative and given to fantasy or day-dream..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

It's right on the money in regards to my "actual problem" and "stress sources." Yikes!

Also eerie is the fact that the first line of my online dating ad is "I daydream. A lot."

Strange, but true.

Saturday, July 01, 2006 

Pride bonus!

Though Pride month has officially ended, I have found this photo of my girl, Bink from Pride 2001. I love it! She was quite popular that day: