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Saturday, July 15, 2006 

Stunted

He doesn't want me. That doesn't actually come as a surprise - although it hurts. So much. There are some things I have no power to change about myself. Just basic "who I am" stuff. I am undesirable. This is not an indictment of him. He can't help the way he does not feel. In a small way, it comes as a relief to have some finality. I hated that anxious feeling each time I checked my email, hoping to god, please god, that he had written to me. Or each time I hear my phone sound with a text message alert gettng butterflies in my stomach. I now know I never need feel that again. There will be no more emails, or text messages, or a reply to the letter I sent. So, let's call it 3% relief, 97% merde. I appreciate that he was (finally) honest with me.

"When you were in Paris I thought that we were 2 people, single situation, out for fun. Complimentary, no? You were keen for more, I wasn't prepared to give more."

Actually, I think the fact that he wrote this to me is pretty amazing. Really, it's a testament to how good a guy he actually is. I think anyone else would have just blown me off completely. So, he's being humane. I'm being humanely euthanized. Like a dog.

The thing is, I wasn't "out for fun." I was surprised by him, and I obviously wasn't clear about that. I felt (feel) something for him that that I wasn't prepared for. But if he was to be completely honest, he'd admit that I wasn't alone. I saw it. I know he felt something, too. (This part isn't wishful thinking, by the way. We actually talked.) It is true, however, that I saw it go away, too. I did. And I'll always wonder why. I didn't say anything because I just wanted to be with him. I suppose I was keen for more from him, but if he knew that, and he wasn't prepared to give more, I wish he'd stopped sleeping with me. That was rather cruel.

He gave me the option of not being totally cut out of his life. "Please don't see this as shallow or cutting, just matter of fact. If you can truly accept that, then I would be OK corresponding with you. Otherwise I think it would be best not to." I don't think he wants me to be thoroughly gutted. I just am.

It was, I suppose, in the end my decision. I wrote him that as much as it pains me - and it does,tremendously because I know I'll never hear from him again - I have to admit to him, and to myself that I don't think I can accept having only a peripheral relationship with him.

I considered, briefly, lying to him and saying "Yeah, no big deal, let's keep in touch." Right. We become such good friends that he starts telling me about this really hot chick he's banging...not an ideal scenario.

I think what hurts just as much is the realization that my emotional growth is stunted. I feel exactly as I did when my heart was broken at age fourteen. Worse, in fact. I thought I had become so adept at protecting myself, at not letting anyone too close. I was so stupid. So fucking weak. I wish I could have just taken it for what it was. I'm just not sure why I couldn't. Or can't. I'm (supposedly) an adult. I should be able to handle this situation, but I can't. At all. I'm miserable. I really can't stop crying, and I don't know what to do. I would do anything if I could make him change his mind. Anything. But there's nothing to be done.

I know it's pathetic. I know. But I can't help it. I keep crying and I don't know when I'll be able to stop. I fucking hate myself right now.

I'm done.

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