Tuesday, August 29, 2006 

Lots of stuff

I've been up to a lot. So much in fact, that I'm not sure I'll bother to write all about it. Highlights include:

Last Thursday, I met Tomate and Manuel for a drink (okay, I had three.) It was nice meeting Manu, even though he told me that my site has devolved into a "chick blog." Whatever!!

My phone rang, and it was my friend E. We had gone on a date a couple of weeks before, and gotten along well, but no other dates since...unless you count going to the movies. I don't count that as a date because I was at the theatre waiting for Catrina when he called. He asked what I was doing, and I told him. I invited him to come along, so he met us there. And then he dropped me off at my place immediately after. That doesn't count, does it? Plus, my hair was in a ratty ponytail, I was wearing sweats and a t-shirt, and no make up - obviously not expecting to see him. So, I don't consider that a date.

Anyway, so I invited E to join us, and Tomate invited her friend M to come along as well. I had such a good time with the four of them. I guess they're all, technically, "strangers" but it felt like I was with old friends. After we left the bar, we walked to Ti Couz for a bite to eat. At this point, M mumbled something about it not being his type of food and left...without so much as a word of goodbye. Which was weird, but we got to spend endless amounts of time deconstructing his odd behavior, and hypothesizing about its origins - which was entertaining!

As it was a school night, and getting late, we decided to leave. Manu, E and I walked Tomate to her train, and then Manu and E walked me home (where I gave each of them a hug goodnight - see, Manu? E wasn't a date!)

The next night, I had two tickets to see comedian Patton Oswalt. I'd just been given the tickets the day before, and hadn't invited anyone, so when we were saying goodbye the night before, I invited E. This, my friends, was a date. Our second official, though we'd gone out three times previously, if you're playing along. The show was great. Patton is really funny, and personable (he always hangs out after his show to meet/talk to/take photos with his fans.) He seems like a super-nice guy. After the show, we walked around North Beach for a while. I was hungry, but it was late, and not a lot of things were open. After stopping for one drink, I decided to just grab a quick slice of pizza. What to do next? Well. North Beach is known for its great proliferation of "gentlemen's clubs." When in Rome. E almost had a coronary when I said I wanted to check one out. But in a good way. I don't think I was supposed to know he was as excited as he was. So we decide on one of the, ahem, "classier" establishments (note: ladies get in free. Who knew?) It was so not what I expected. It was much sadder. Lots of lonely guys and bored looking women walking around in skimpy lingerie or swimwear.

As the talented "dancer" on stage did her thing on the pole, off came the top and out came the boobs. And then. Off came the bottoms. I let out an audible "Whoa! I was not expecting that!" E laughed.

We refused the many generous offers for lap dances, though one woman did push E's and my heads together and smoosh them into her boobs. I gave her two bucks.

Saturday, I went to the airport to pick up my girl! She has returned from her six-week adventure with Grandma! Here she is just as she stepped off the plane.

In the mean time, I've been offered a new job. It's with an organization that works to prevent violence among "at risk" youth. It should be good. Not only is it the most money I've ever made (which isn't saying much in a non-profit, actually) but, it's my first "Director" job title...so even if it doesn't work out, I'll have that on the ole resume. I start on the 15th of September.

One final thing that is stressing/freaking me the fuck out? I got an email from G this morning:

Yo Buzz G

I'm having a bbq on Saturday afternoon, come on over if you're free. (See, I told you I wanted to be your friend.)

What does this mean? I couldn't possibly go, could I?

HOLY SHIT! Maybe I should take E!!

Wednesday, August 23, 2006 

Karma is a bitch

Then again, so am I. That must be why, after ending it with the "nice guy," the "freak" ended it with me. Actually, I guess, technically, I ended it with him, but he certainly didn't object.

I needn't have worried about putting the brakes on my "casual" relationship with G.

Our email conversation went like this:

G: I think I am feeling a little weird about it...things have gone further than I intended, but I do reeeally like spending time with you...maybe we could chill out for a bit?

Me: I feel that way too, actually. I think things were getting too...intimate, for lack of a better word.

I'd say that you are my ideal guy that I, unfortunately, met under less than ideal circumstances.

So we should stop now. I am glad I met you, though.

Oh yeah...it occurs to me that I'm telling someone I don't want to see them again because I like them. Christ, that's retarded.

G: You're funny. Thank you for the compliment. I think you are really great... but I think you are probably right that maybe we should not see each other further. Honestly, my feelings about this have nothing to do with you, only me. I would be honored if you would consider me your friend, and if you would be happy to run into me around town and would stop to talk (rather than avoiding or ignoring each other).

Me: Holy shit! Are you seriously giving me the "It's not you, it's me" thing? Wow.

Well, I promise I'll try not to be weird if I see you around town. I'll try.

G: Dude, I'm totally serious, about it being me not you, and that I would like to be your friend.

Me: Whatever, dude. "Friend" might be hard for me, but I won't run in the opposite direction if I see you. Cool? Okay.

I'm not sure what it is about me that makes guys think they either have to marry me or dump me. Why can't we just hang out? Why can't we just date?

I've been dating A LOT lately (thanks to my online profile.) I've met some really cool guys, but who knows if anything is going anywhere? I'm of the mind that nothing has to be going anywhere...but that seems to be an unpopular stance. Dating for dating's sake is not in vogue, apparently. For me, it's practice. And I'm having fun. For now. (I really do like that G guy, though...plus, let's just say...he's supremely talented in a singularly focused way.)

I do hate that I'm so easy to get over and forget, though. I think that's what bugs me the most about Scottie and G - what the fuck? I'm brooding, thinking - nay obsessing about you, and you've already moved on? Harumph.

Thursday, August 17, 2006 

Let the games begin

So, as I alluded to in my last post, I've been *kinda* seeing someone for a few weeks. Actually, I've been seeing several people, but he's the one I've seen more than once. Monday was our fourth date, and, well...I spent the night with him.

It's so funny. We live really close to each other, and we go to a lot of the same political protests and rallies, but had never met. We talk almost exactly the same way (Dude, that was awesome!), and even listen to some of the same randomly odd music. He's smart (an environmental engineer), plays guitar (he plays something appropriate every time we're together.) Once, after we "did it," he played Hot Chocolate's ”You Sexy Thing”. Tuesday morning he played me The Beatles' ”Here Comes the Sun”. Physically, he's totally my type, which is to say, kind of nerdy with glasses. So effing cute. And tall. I've always liked tall men - maybe because I'm a pygmy.

Here's the thing, though: we both went into this with the explicit understanding that this was going to be a casual thing. Monday did not feel "casual." I don't know what got into us, but we talked a lot. About politics, religion, music, sex...everything. All that before we even went back to his place (we met at a bar.) That's a problem, because I don't think that I am ready for any real relationship right now. I'm pretty sure he's not either, but I don't know - we haven't actually spoken since we parted ways Tuesday morning.

I really had no desire to be that girl, so I didn't call him yesterday. Today, I sent him an email that said "Thanks for hanging out. I had a really good time with you on Monday. Sorry I pushed you out of bed." Um, it was an accident.

He replied with "Thanks I had a good time too. I really enjoyed... [REDACTED!] ...your new leather boots." Ahem.

My first inclination is to call or write him and tell him that "Hey, I know that you and I seemed really serious about each other the other night, but let's pretend that didn't happen..." I know it's ridiculous. I think too much. I probably don't need to say anything to him.

And so, the odd ritual of when to call (or not), who should make the first move (or not) begins.

As my dear friend said when I told her about all this, "OMG! Dude! Straight people are so weird."

Update: I just realized that this was my 100th post. Woo hoo!

Monday, August 14, 2006 

My new baby!

Isn't she beautiful?

She looks just like me, don't you think? Follow me, here... Black and yellow. Like a bee. What sound does a bee make? There ya go!

Sunday, August 13, 2006 

It's Official!

I am insane.

I've had two dates with a very nice guy. He likes me. He really likes me. He's sweet, funny, very nice. He's stable: he even recently bought a home in San Francisco - no small feat in itself. He keeps talking about things "we'll" be doing in the future. He's cool with my kid, but doesn't want any of his own. The problem? I am just not feeling him. It's ridiculous. Stupid, actually. But true. So, now I have to be a grown up and tell this great guy that I'm not interested. WTF is wrong with me? God knows, he could be the last guy that genuinely wants me.

Who am I interested in instead? No, Tomate, not the French guy whose email you translated for me. No. I'm interested in a fucking freak. This guy I've, ahem, "seen" three times. I am dying to go into detail about what makes this guy a freak (okay, "freak" is harsh - he's just much kinkier than I could ever be. I'll leave it at that for now.) My point is, he has no interest in me...clothed.

Do you appreciate the insanity, people? I don't want the rational, I only want the drama of being rejected, of being the victim. See the pattern? I truly believe I need professional help.

Monday, August 07, 2006 


Where've I been?

My birthday was a blast. Potent margaritas were consumed. I enjoyed the company of Tomate, her friend J, Catrina and Kati. Did I mention the margaritas? I think I did. After we parted ways with Tomate and J, Kati, Catrina and I briefly considered going to a movie, but ended up not doing anything. They left, and I went to Cha Cha Cha, around the corner from my place in the Mission. I knew I could drink free because the manager is a friend of mine.

The next evening, I was supposed to meet the fabulous Chantel for a cocktail at the Blogher conference, but instead, got sucked into the lesbian drama of Catrina and Kati breaking up after four years (I knew it was coming the night before...Kati didn't.) That night I spent watching "Raiders of the Lost Ark" with Catrina outside on a big screen in Dolores Park.

Other than that, I have been living a particularly self-destructive phase recently. I've been engaging in debasing behavior that is beyond the pale for me. I hope I don't die as a result. Really. I don't want to die, I just want to not feel pain. Just feel numb (no, I'm not doing drugs!) I'll leave it at that (hence, this entry's title.)

This past weekend, I met up with Inarticulate, a writer whose Diaryland diary I started reading, god, six or seven years ago. This was the first time we'd met. She's great! In addition to a seven year old boy, she has twin girls that are going to be 11 in a couple of weeks. I can't even imagine. I have one 11 year old girl, and at times, it's too much. Anyway, we went to the movies and saw ”Little Miss Sunshine”. I cannot tell you how much I loved this film. It was well written, the comedy was black and pointed, and it was perfectly cast. I loved it.

I took a meditation class last week. It was at the Buddhist temple a couple of blocks from my place. Trying to calm my mind in a less destructive manner. Meditation is really hard! I couldn't do it. I was talking to some folks afterwards who said that it takes a lot of practice, and that I shouldn't stop trying. We'll see. I'm willing to try.