Friday, September 22, 2006 

Last day of summer

As summer officially comes to an end, so should my insane behavior. This was the summer of insanity for me. I often really wanted to write about it, but since becoming a member of the blogging community, and establishing "real life" relationships with some of you, I really can't tell you what I've been doing (though I have seriously considered starting another blog just to vent about it.) Suffice it to say, that it's been self-destructive, demeaning, and frankly unsafe. But that's over. I hope. I can't let my daughter see me self destruct.

I've survived my first week of employment! And guess what? I am writing this post from a coffee shop while my daughter is at Girl Scouts - on the brand-spanking new laptop I was given for work. Woo hoo!

I haven't written in a while, and I've been making little notes to myself of reminders of things to mention. Those notes are at home, so it'll have to wait.

E dumped my ass - TWICE (I'm still not exactly sure why), and G (still) considers me his fallback when his other plans don't pan out. I should have added "self-respect" to my Amazon wishlist.

Thursday, September 14, 2006 

I hate clauses.

Perhaps it's karmic punishment for my tendency towards overly florid sentence structure; my relationships come with too many clauses. I'm really tired of having the conversation that goes "you are the most amazingly fabulous creature ever!!!" followed by a tragic conjunction. Yesterday it was me who added "but it doesn't really matter how fabulous I am if you're not sure how committed you are to seeing me." With G it was him: "but you don't fit some abstract idea of what my partner is supposed to be like (oh, and did I mention I just don't think you're that hot?)." There have been some hysterical ones: "But you're just not geeky enough." and my new favorite "but you live in San Francisco, why even bother?" I think I'm capable of being part of a relationship that can be contained in simple sentence structure. I hope I'm getting closer to figuring out what to do to make that happen. I definitely have to start being as picky about whether people are really available/feasible as I am about how smart they are and how much I like them.

Monday, September 11, 2006 

Football and E

I spent yesterday at E's place watching the 49ers get their asses handed to them by the Cardinals. I don't know why I was so surprised by the fact that he's a huge football fan, but I was. I don't think he prefers it over sex, but he did ask if he could go watch the game very soon afterwards. So we watched the game. And went back to his room at half-time. And then watched the rest of the game (we were a little late getting back to the third quarter.) I like him. So, of course there's a problem.

I saw G leaving a bar with another woman on Saturday. Totally random. I sputtered a "Hello." He just smirked at me and said "Hey, how's it going?" Dude. I totally wanted to vomit. It felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. Why? He is such an incredible asshole. Really a dick. With some serious issues. And I can't stop thinking about him even as I'm getting closer to E. He even sent me an email today (well, I guess he sent it yesterday, but I got it today.) It's kind of mean, actually. He's just rubbing my face in the fact that he's fucking other women (yes, I KNOW I'm a hypocrite.)

I cannot allow myself to be happy. I don't know how. On that note, I'll leave you with the lyrics to my theme song, "Only Happy When it Rains" by Garbage. By the way, Shirley Manson is one woman I would go gay for in a minute. She wouldn't have to ask twice. Of course, she's Scottish! Figures.

Only Happy When it Rains

I'm only happy when it rains
Im only happy when it's complicated
And though I know you can't appreciate it
I'm only happy when it rains
You know I love it when the news is bad
Why it feels so good to feel so sad
I'm only happy when it rains

Pour your misery down
Pour your misery down on me
Pour your misery down
Pour your misery down on me

I'm only happy when it rains
I feel good when things are going wrong
I only listen to the sad, sad songs
I'm only happy when it rains

I only smile in the dark
My only comfort is the night gone black
I didnt accidentally tell you that
I'm only happy when it rains
Youll get the message by the time I'm through
When I complain about me and you
I'm only happy when it rains

Pour your misery down...pour your misery down (x6)

You can keep me company
As long as you don't care

I'm only happy when it rains
You want to hear about my new obsession
Im riding high upon a deep depression
I'm only happy when it rains...pour some misery down on me (x7)

Saturday, September 09, 2006 

I miss this place

I really do. But I've been going through some ridiculous crap lately, and haven't really been in the headspace to write about it.

I'm still around though, reading your blogs and your comments (I'd missed you Michael!)

Hope you're all well.

Friday, September 08, 2006 

I know, I know

I went to the bbq (with my friend Catrina.) It was cool. As I was leaving G said "See? We can hang out." I said "No, I don't think we can." The end. Met some nice folks there, though. Really hit it off with Natalie and Nathan and was invited to another party the next day - which was also fun. Until Natalie started telling me about her experience sleeping with Greg (which I had suspected.) Oh yay...something to commiserate about. Ugh.

Anyway, the new job starts next week. It's all official. I got my "offer letter", signed it, and sent it back. I'm really employed.