Wednesday, June 04, 2008 

Coming Clean Part I

I’ve been keeping a secret. Actually, I’ve been keeping many, but one in particular that I will share with you now.

I wrote a post in February titled “Is it possible?” that questioned whether or not a significant other could be living a “double life” of sorts. Here’s an excerpt of the (since taken down) post:

“No, we don't live together, but we spend an awful lot of time together.

…We made plans to go out the next night, Saturday. While I was procrastinating, instead of straightening up the apartment before he came over, I went online. I got an email that destroyed me.

I broke up with him. He begged. He got angry. He cried. I asked him to please, if he loved me so much, to stop calling/texting/emailing me. I wasn't ready to talk to him. He sent a text that said "I'm sorry, I just hate being accused of something I didn't do, esp when it's hurting the love of my life so much." I went to his place at 2:00. We talked we cried. I said I'd call him the next day. I got an email from him Sunday that somewhat exonerated him. I called him and he asked if I'd come over. I went. He asked if I "had something to say to him." I asked, "Do you want me to apologize?" He said "That would be nice, yes." I said, "I'm sorry, but can you see how things look(ed) from my perspective?" He started to tear up and tell me that while yes, he understood that, what he didn't understand is why I didn't believe him when he said he didn't do anything. He would never treat me like that: dumping him like we had had nothing before.

I put what I was feeling aside. Very difficult for someone like me with MAJOR trust issues. I spent the night. We spent the entire next day together. I left his place at midnight this morning.

When I woke up, I had an epiphany of some sort. I put my internet research skills to work and found what I suspect is a smoking gun. I think he was lying all along. I am such an asshole. Gullible.

I left him a voicemail message...he hasn't called back yet. Should be an interesting conversation.”

It was an interesting conversation. There was no real resolution except that we decided we loved each other enough to work it out, to try again – even though in my heart I knew it would never be the same between us.

So, what’s the secret? The secret is that I went back to him. We’ve been together this whole time. I’ve been embarrassed and ashamed to admit that I took him back, considering how spectacularly he humiliated me.

I hope you'll bear with me over the next couple of posts. I'm trying very hard to figure out exactly what it is about me that is so...what is the word? Needy? that I allowed myself to be made a fool of - repeatedly - for so long.

I'll tell you what he did (and continues to do) next time.