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Thursday, February 23, 2012 

Hot in the City

It was a truly stunning day around these parts. Seventy+ degrees Farenheit. In February. Climate change, indeed.I spent the day with Meir. Lunch and then just hanging out and talking. I have gotten to the point where although I don't want to see him, I'm powerless at this point. I even recognize that it's because I'm lonely and without prospects, and it's nice to spend time with someone who finds me attractive. Pathetic, I know, but it's true. In a way, I think I'll feel relieved when he and his family move to Israel on June first. It will make it easier for me to not take any personal responsibility for continuing to see him after I found out he is married. Even though we're not sleeping together, and have decided to be "just friends," it still feels bad. But I can't stop it on my own. Today, while in the car, he reached over to hold my hand. I didn't say anything, but just kind of nonchalantly pulled my hand away - but only because I know that I can't trust myself to be the clear-headed person in the situation. We've had this talk, the one about us being attracted to one another, but how we are only going to have a platonic relationship. I think, however, that this is just a bunch of crap. What I'm getting out of it is the challenge/satisfaction of seeing him wrestle with his attraction to me...especially since no one else seems to be.The downside, of course, is that there's no scenario in which I don't get hurt. Such is my pattern. And believe it or not, the awareness that I have of this situation is actually progress for me. "Progress not perfection" is my goal.I have to keep repeating that to myself. A kiss on the cheek led to a long hug which led to a brief kiss on the mouth. I need help: a therapist, a Higher Power, something.

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