Sunday, September 16, 2012 

So fucking sad

I just can't get over this over-arching feeling of sadness these days. It's not simply malaise. It's more than that. I just feel so sad, and alone, and scared.

It's not the dude. He's gone, and I'm glad he's gone because I felt shitty about that entire situation. Of course, as happy as I am that I'm removed from it, I still miss him and am a bit resentful that I haven't heard from him in over a month. But, whatever. It's not that.

I feel like I have spent so much time dealing with So. Much. Bullshit. Over the past six years my life has been, pretty much shit. In terms of personal, family, and (lack of) work. And it is fucking exhausting trying (or pretending) to be upbeat and optimistic all the fucking time. It's seen as a character flaw to express any sort of sadness. Anger? Fine. Frustration? No problem. Sadness? Um, no. Suck it up.

I don't know how I've lived here nearly 20 years, and not really met anyone who lives in the South Bay (Santa Clara, Sunnyvale, Mountain View, San Jose, etc.), but now I REALLY need someone's, ANYONE'S who lives there's help, and I have come up with nothing.

So much for the "turning it over to God" and "everything will work out" bullshit. I need something NOW, and it's not coming. And I'm totally fucked.

Thanks, Jesus!